This morning when I sat down and started to do my journaling I became immediately aware that my head was very different – there was a layer missing… a void of lightness that I cannot remember being there before… way weird…
As I explored this a little more I recognised that the constant undercurrent of negative self talk was absent… and there was greater clarity… this clearness… in my mind.
This undercurrent of negative self chat is a bit like a rip in the ocean… it is not always visible or even clearly audible… but has been there for as long as I can remember. If I remained vigilant and mindful in my thinking I could stay out of harm’s way, however it could also snare me in a nanosecond and channel me very quickly out into the depths and the darkness… that place where one can become very quickly lost and alone, struggling to stay afloat… trying so hard to keep one’s head above water… hoping… praying… that the tide will turn in time, and one can make it back to the place where one can touch the bottom… even on tippy toes… and prepare for standing up again in the world of light and purpose.
Over the past couple of months I have been doing some heavy work with a wonderful woman in Sydney, identifying and healing old old wounds that were so hidden and deep that I couldn’t access them on my own. This woman – I will refer to her as Cee – has lovingly and with such gentleness, shone a torch on these deep seated woundings, giving me the strength and courage to explore them so they can finally heal.
Cee has been able to come in with her amazing capacities and identify the root causes of a lot of the issues that feed the negative self chat. Being an empath, not only were there old emotional wounds, but also the added burden of toxic energy that was absorbed at the time of the wounding. It is the first time in my life that I have encountered someone who has been able to bring these insights to me… Cee is indeed a godsend and a blessing.
With her gentle probing and prodding I have been able to go back and feel fully the emotions of these wounds, and release the toxicity through the power of forgiveness of those who deeply hurt me, either intentionally or inadvertently.
Cee has been able to guide and support me through a process of healing the wounded inner-child… we have talked about specific experiences, I have cried buckets as I felt the agony of some of those experiences without shame or the need to deny the pain. I have expressed extreme anger at some of the stuff that happened… the injustice of being a “weird” kid in a very conservative environment… the frustration of not being understood, the disappointment of not being believed… my daily journaling has also helped in releasing a lot of this old pain… the freedom to full express some of the gnarly stuff without fear or favour…
It is these childhood woundings that start our negative self talk… I am not lovable, I am bad, I will never be good enough, I am stupid, I am a trouble-maker, I am a loser, I am a failure, I always get things wrong, I can’t do anything right, I never finish anything, I speak too much, I speak too loud, I laugh too loud, I am fat, I am ugly, I need to wear clothes that hide who I am, I ought to be ashamed of myself, I am clumsy, I am too sensitive, I am too emotional, I am a bad friend, I am bossy, I am overbearing, I am cocky, I am an overall shit person and so it goes on… you get the picture.
This journey back in time has not been all bad… there have also been some very special remembering of times when I was accepted, understood and valued. Rare as they might be in the overall mix of things, they help to recognise the fundamental untruths of all this negative self chat and put things into perspective.
And so I have had my first day with this wonderful void in my head… it is still weird but I am sure I will grow to love it… and I am holding confidence that this is not just a temporary thing.
I honour Cee for her courage in taking me to places I have never been willing to go before… however most of all I honour myself – for being willing to do whatever it takes to become the greatest version of the grandest vision I hold for myself… it has sure as hell been worth it…